Frozen Hearts
by Glenonaya
Summary: When both Spock and Jim spend their shore leave on the ice planet Beri Prime, Kirk runs into one of his old flames. Well, they do say absence makes the heart grow fonder. This story takes place some time during the fourth year of the Enterprise's mission.
1. Chapter 1

My contribution to the Happy Trekmas challenge. Written for Angelus2hot.

**Warnings**: This story contains some scenes that can be read as dub con.

**Notes (if any) **:

Scenarios you suggested:

"_Kirk spends time on a planet and seems to fall for one of the women there, Spock realizes because of his silence could lose Kirk before ever having him and decides to act to win Kirk for himself."_

and

"A much needed shore leave on a snow covered planet leads to more than either of them bargained for."

I mashed them together and tinkered a bit, I hope you like the result.

Also, I had a minor meltdown when I saw who I was writing for. I adore your manips. Right, on with the story.

_**Part 1**_

From space Beri Prime looked like a white jewel with bands of verdant running through it, for while its crust was green in hue, most of the surface was covered in ice. The few life forms that existed on its surface were hardy, versatile and had developed many creative ways of surviving in this impossible environment, something that had attracted Federation scientists from the moment the planet was discovered. Within scant months of the first survey data reaching first Starfleet, and subsequently the rest of the Federation, the first research station had been carved into the glacier and rock of the planet. Not long after, some wild entrepreneur conceived the idea of setting up facilities for those interested in winter sports, and survival trips. Setting up shop in halls carved out next to the research station provided mutual benefits and in short order the two had – quite literally – grown together. Even scientists needed to kick back and relax now and again, and despite its sometimes harsh weather, Beri Prime proved to be both a popular recreational spot for the intrepid and the cerebral.

The former was what made James T Kirk seek out Beri Prime for his shore leave, the latter what drew his first officer to the planet.

**oOoOo **

Jim sighed, looking through the transparent aluminium panorama window. Outside snowflakes whirled by, tossed about topsy-turvy by the howling winds. The snowstorm had the whole complex in lock-down, so there was no chance for him to get outside today, or the next several days, most likely, since these storms when they struck could take days to blow themselves out.

Sighing again, Kirk turned and started away from the panorama window when a voice stopped him dead in his tracks.

"Well, well, well. Look who the cat dragged in."

Stunned Jim turned to see a tall, lean Caitian standing a few feet away, the tan fur and sandy mane looking even paler than usual in the white light, something further emphasised by the off-white shirt and beige trousers.

"Karl?"

Closing the space between them in a sprint only a Caitian could manage, Kirk shortly found himself with strong arms wrapped around his waist and a furred face rubbing against his shoulder and neck. The greeting was extremely intimate, despite the years they had been apart, and caught him by surprise. It took Kirk a moment to gather himself enough to reciprocate.

Raising his hands and tangling them in the lush mane, Jim pressed his face against the Caitian's neck allowing the strong scent of the fur to fill his nostrils, bringing with it a tidal wave of memories of that soft silky texture against his naked skin.

After long minutes of relishing the tight embrace Kirk finally pushed the Caitian back with a profound sigh.

"What are you doing here you mad Caitian?"

"It's 'doctor mad Caitian' now, Jim."

"Finally got tired of languishing as a research assistant?"

"Well with you permanently off Earth there wasn't really anything to keep me back was there?"

"Don't tell me you put off getting your doctorate all those years because of me, because I won't believe it."

"Well it was one more reason to put it off."

Kirk gave the other man a doubting look. One pawlike hand reached out and ran down over Kirk's back and hip.

"You underestimate how addictive you are. And how charming. You always did."

Jim folded his arms and shook his head.

"If you say so. Are you free?"

"You always did go from zero to a hundred in no time," the Caitian laughed.

Blood shot into Jim's cheeks.

"That... wasn't, get your mind out of your trousers. I meant free for lunch. I'd enjoy the company."

"I'm on lunch break actually, so that would be a yes." The Caitian looked down at his chrono. "And I suppose I could check out for the day, if you feel... particularly... hungry." The last word was a purr.

"You haven't changed at all, you'll turn everything into innuendo or an excuse for having sex."

"I'm Caitian, we're supposed to have a healthy... appetite."

"I'll have you know I have a Caitian crewman and she's nothing like you. I'll have to ask her whether all the males behave like this, or if it's just you."

"Oh I'm something else, you know that." The Caitian grinned.

"Why don't we discuss it over lunch, I'm famished."

Taking Jim by the arm, his friend started them toward one of the corridors.

"I'll show you the best place around here for lunch. They have a fantastic fish menu. But what brings you to my neck of the Federation? It's not exactly on the beaten track for a starship captain."

"Starship captains don't have beaten tracks, but I was supposed to be hiking out there." Kirk hitched a thumb back towards the panorama window. "These mad snowstorms you keep have me in lock-down inside instead."

The Caitian slid his hand from Jim's arm and snaked it around his waist.

"Oh, I quite enjoy when we're in lock-down. You never know _what_ can happen," he purred.

Grinning, Kirk followed the Caitian's lead.

**oOoOo **

Leaving the research library, Spock headed towards the recreational part of the complex, intending to find a place to eat lunch. His morning had been productive and he had found much information on the local Ice Spiders. He had originally intended to study them in their own habitat, something the snowstorm had made impossible, but that may have been a fortunate accident since the research library held far more information on the creatures than he had anticipated.

Crossing one of the complex's minor plazas he spotted Jim's form at the panorama window. It did not surprise him that the captain would find himself equally trapped by the storm, but it appeared that Jim had not found alternate occupation for himself. Knowing how easily Jim became frustrated when he was trapped against his will, Spock stopped and considered interrupting the captain with an invitation to share lunch.

His attention was distracted from his thoughts by the appearance of a fair-furred Caitian that headed straight for Jim. The Caitian must have spoken for Jim turned, the surprise on his face plain to the Vulcan even at this distance.

The intimate greeting that followed caused an equal amount of surprise in Spock. While Caitian body language was not a field he had paid much attention to, Spock knew the intimacy of the face rubbing gesture, and judging by the way the captain reciprocated the gesture it was clear that he and the nameless Caitian had indeed shared an intimate relationship.

A flash of what he had learned to recognise as jealousy flared in him. He ruthlessly suppressed it. Whatever bond he and the captain shared it did not grant him privileges on the human's person or attention.

Tearing himself away from the spectacle of the reunited lovers, Spock continued on his way only to stop again as he reached one of the small garden alcoves that were spread throughout the hallways of the complex, all of them filled with tiny flowerbeds and a pair of benches.

The Vulcan dropped down on one bench and focused on steadying his breathing, which had become very erratic without him being aware of it. Folding his hands firmly in his lap, he focused on getting it back under control.

"Spock!" The captain's voice interrupted his meditation. Spock looked up, chagrined to see the tan-furred Caitian standing next to Jim. "Are you alright?"

"I am fine, sir. I was merely contemplating the flora." Spock nodded towards the flowerbed. To his own ears the explanation sounded weak and transparent, but Jim did not seem to notice it. Of course he was being distracted by his Caitian companion who currently had his arm around the captains' waist in a very intimate gesture.

The desire to rip away the arm, to feel the bone break in his hand, flashed through Spock. Hurriedly composing himself – _it was inconceivable that he should react like this, he had seen Jim with other partners before, why was this reaction so strong?_ – he rose to his feet.

"Perhaps you are correct. I find myself somewhat fatigued-" he said only to be overridden by the Caitian.

"Jim, why don't you introduce us? Your manners are hideous."

"Sorry. Spock, this is Doctor Karl. He was one of the civilian chemistry teaching assistants when I was at the Academy. Karl, my First Officer, Commander Spock."

Spock frowned.

"May I comment that Karl is an unusual name for a Caitian?"

"It would be, if it _was_ my name. Actually it's S'Krrl, I just go by Karl. I got tired of humans always mangling the pronunciation of my name beyond all recognition. So I decided to call myself Karl among these uncultured illiterates. Surely it must be something you can understand, Commander?"

Spock straightened, assuming a stiff at-ease position. _Why did this fair, innocuous comment feel like slander against his friend?_

"I have had no complaints."

"Really? Vulcan names aren't easy to pronounce, or the Vulcan language in general, for that matter. I can hear that Jim can't _quite_ get his tongue around your name and you've know each other how many years?"

"You are an expert on Vulcan then, I presume?" To his own ears his voice sounded snappish and waspish, so very unlike him, and he had to restrain himself from moving any closer to the Caitian than he already was.

"By no means, that would take a lifetime. But we've had a great many Vulcan scientists at the colony in the time I've been here and I have a good ear for language."

Disentangling himself from the Caitian's grip and stepping closer to Spock, Jim broke into the conversation. "Have I been mispronouncing your name all this time?"

The worried look on Jim's face, along with the human's physical proximity, made something inside the Vulcan feel warmer.

"I have never had cause for complaint with your pronunciation. If I had I would have addressed it."

_It was not a lie, he had never wished to complain. No, the way Jim said his name wasn't exactly the way a Vulcan would, but it was distinctly Jim._

"In that case, Commander." S'Krrl interrupted. "You are more forgiving than I."

"To be forgiving would indicate that a wrong had been perpetrated against me, but as I perceive none, it is unnecessary."

Spock's gaze bore furiously into the Caitian's amber eyes. He intensely wished that the other was gone, that he and Jim to be alone.

Jim interrupted the uncomfortable silence. "So how are you passing time during the lock-down? Since you can't go hunt those spiders that aren't spiders."

Tearing his gaze away from S'Krrl, Spock looked at Kirk, his posture immediately relaxing.

"I have found the publicly available records in the library quite informative on the subject, much more so than I expected. It will provide me with a more solid theoretical foundation for any field research I may be able to conduct than I could have hoped for."

"Interested in our Ice Spiders, Commander?"

"I find the creatures to be of interest yes," Spock said coolly.

S'Krrl gave a purring laugh.

"Well, a... pleasure to meet you, Commander, but I'm getting hungry. Still on for lunch, Jim?"

"Why don't you join us, Spock?"

The thought of having to sit through a meal, watching the Caitian constantly pet Jim, robbed him of his appetite.

"As I said I do find myself fatigued, I think I shall retire to my quarters." Giving a small bow from his hips, Spock turned and left.

Jim blinked. Spock could be very abrupt by human standards, but this was unusual. So unusual in fact that for a second he was tempted to reach out through their bond and see if he could get anything from the Vulcan, but he immediately dismissed the thought. After he had learned some control of his mental shields he had promised himself that he would give Spock what privacy he could. Neither of them had deliberately sought this bond, but it existed, and while he might not be able to control everything as well as a Vulcan could, he would not blatantly violate his friend's privacy.

He shook his head. The poor man was probably just tired, he had needed shore leave as much as any of them, though the Vulcan would never admit it. He turned back to S'Krrl with a smile.

"Guess that just leaves us then?"

The Caitian wore a puzzled expression, but took Jim's arm once more and led him away.

**oOoOo **

As he heard the door sliding shut behind him, Spock softly exhaled the breath he hardly realised he had been holding. Pressing his palms flat against the metal of the door, he struggled to compose himself. He wished he could keep telling himself that he did not know why he reacted so strongly to seeing Jim in such intimate relation to another, but he knew only too well the strength of the bond that beckoned to become more and other than it was.

More and more often he found himself yearning to reach out and touch Jim, hold him. And every time he restrained himself, knowing what the consequences of prolonged physical interaction would be, how it would permit the bond to grow further. Even merely engaging their continued social interaction held dangers in this respect, but the thought of cutting himself off from Jim's company completely filled him with a deep horror he dared not name.

He had to restore his equilibrium somehow. The facility was relatively small and until the snowstorm blew itself out there was a great chance that he would run into Jim and S'Krrl again.

Pushing himself away from the door, Spock ordered the lights down to 20%. The subdued lighting would make meditation easier. He briefly wished that he had his firebowl, but it had seemed an unnecessary object to bring as he had intended to take several field trips.

_Kaiidth_. He would make do with what he had. Taking several pillows from the sofa, he made a comfortable arrangement on the floor, knelt and slowed his breathing to achieve the trance state that would permit him to put his mind in order once more.

**oOoOo **

"You were right, this fish is absolutely fantastic."

"Hmm," was S'Krrl's only response.

"What is it? You've been terse since we came here. Since we talked to Spock, in fact. Don't tell me he rubbed you that much the wrong way, if you worked with Vulcans before you have to know what they're like."

"Yes I know a lot about Vulcan behaviour," S'Krrl snapped. Taking a drink out of his wine glass, he nailed Kirk with a stare. "Why didn't you tell me you were involved _before_ I made an idiot of myself? That isn't like you at all."

"What are you talking about?"

"Cut it, Jim. You aren't fooling anyone, least of all me." Kirk stared at him, confusion pronounced on his features. "You, the commander. His little display of territoriality was as subtle as weery's mating call. Vulcans only behave like that when someone is encroaching on their mate."

Jim blushed to the roots of his hair.

"It's not... we're _not_. No Karl, no. Spock and I are just friends."

Folding his arms the Caitian looked at him suspiciously.

"Really. We're... good friends, but friends is all we are."

Kirk looked down at the tablecloth. _How often had he wished that those words weren't true, that he and Spock were something more than friends?_ He had lost count. After Vulcan, after the change in their bond he had briefly... dared to hope – particularly after Spock had forgiven him – but nothing had happened. And truth be told, he was lucky to have that much. That Spock _had_ forgiven him for everything that he had done... it was more than he could ask for. So he kept his mouth and heart shut and didn't complain when the Vulcan sought only his friendship. But the desire for more sometimes weighed him down.

Forcing himself to push it aside, he looked back up with a smile.

"Believe me, we're just friends," he repeated. _Perhaps if he said it often enough, he could convince himself of it and forget his foolish wishes._

Deciding to change the subject before Karl could dig further he asked, "Well, what is there to do around here during lock-downs?"

Briefly it seemed that the Caitian would ignore the distraction and pursue the first subject, but apparently he ended up deciding to let sleeping dogs lie.

"Well, if things go as they usually do we'll have a party tonight. Humans generally don't like being shut in, they try and distract themselves. So every time there's a big snowstorm, these kinds commonly last for days, we have a huge party so everyone can forget about it."

"What kind of party?"

"The usual kind. Music, dancing, alcohol, food. Surely being stuck on a starship for several years hasn't made you forget what constitutes a party? The main event's normally at the centre plaza, but stuff branches off to a lot of smaller ones down the side corridors even before the main events begin. Feel like coming?"

"It's been a long time since I danced last. I'd love to."

"It's a date then."

**oOoOo **

His meditations successfully completed, Spock had decided to return to his research. If nothing else, it would serve to occupy his mind.

Browsing through several shelves of datacards for item 23/453-B16, he found himself growing increasingly frustrated when the sequence jumped suddenly from 23/421 to 23/532 without any logical cause for the abrupt leap. He frowned then looked around for any clue as to where the datacards with numbers 23/422 to 23/531 might have been placed.

"Do you need help?"

Turning around, Spock found himself facing a young dark skinned, dreadlocked woman, looking questioningly at him.

"There appears to be a rather illogical gap in the sequence."

"What file number are you looking for?"

"23/453-B16."

"Ah, the evolution of the Ice Spider's anatomy." She turned and waved Spock to follow her. "Everything about evolution of species is over here along with geology and 'local environmental factors'. Makes for a gap in the sequence that irritates transients, but us resident scientists find it useful so we stick to it."

They arrived at the proper shelf and the woman stretched on her toes and pulled down the relevant datacard.

"There you go, 23/453-B16."

"Thank you Ms..."

"Doctor. Doctor Shanice Banks."

"Forgive me, Doctor Banks."

"Oh you're welcome. If there's anything you can't find, don't hesitate to ask the locals. We're happy to help."

She turned to leave, but then appeared to change her mind.

"I was wondering, will you be coming to the festivities tonight? There'll be a snowstorm party on the central plaza. I know Vulcans aren't all that keen on human socialising, but your species do seem to enjoy music."

"As a general rule, we do."

"Then you might want to drop by and listen."

"I shall take it under consideration."

"Then maybe I'll see you there?"

"That is possible."

When Spock said nothing further, she turned and walked away, something the Vulcan didn't notice because his attention was already on his reading.

**oOoOo **

It had not initially been Spock's intention to join the festivities, he would rather have used the time to continue his research and he had hoped that the celebrations would mean that the library was quiet. Unfortunately even the scientists appeared to be in a festive mood and as the celebrations spilled into the reading room Spock found he had the options of retiring to his hotel, which would likely be equally noisy, or join up.

In nearly all of the corridors and minor court yards of the underground complex there were people playing music, dancing, singing, telling stories or some combination thereof. Trailing through the complex, Spock finally found himself exiting at the large main plaza.

The place was lit with soft pastel lamps, colouring everything in soft tones of pale rose, light blue, aquamarine and lemon. Tables and chairs had been put out so they circumscribed the open square, some right up against it others pulled back behind low bushes or pushed into nooks so that people had a chance of privacy if they so wished. Or at least the illusion of privacy.

Live music, played by what appeared to be a local professional band, filled the high domed room.

Both locals and at least a few Spock could identify as tourists, milled about both along the edges of the plaza and down the nearby corridors, while more danced on the open space in the centre. Locating an empty table, placed behind two rhododendron bushes that gave him a shielded view of his surroundings, he removed all chairs but one, putting the extras around the next table.

Settling down, hoping that no one would disturb him, he turned his attention to the music. While there were far more people around him than he was usually comfortable with – even the Enterprise was not this crowded at maximum capacity – the music with its jazz inspired sound and mixed instrumentation had caught his interest.

He closed his eyes and shut out everything but the music, allowing his mind to become occupied with the piece. In the land of notes, clefs and lyrics, time became almost meaningless and Spock was uncertain as to exactly how much time had passed when he felt the gentle touch of Jim's mind.

Blinking, he opened his eyes to see Jim in the arms of his Caitian companion, being led onto the dance floor. It appeared that neither had seen him.

Odd. Outside of attempting direct communication, such a touch of mind usually only happened when one was occupied with the other person while a lapse of control occurred and as he had not been thinking of Jim, it had to be Jim who had thought of him. _But as he was with another whom he clearly found attractive, why would Jim be thinking of him?_

Spock's eyes followed Jim as he danced. He could not remember ever seeing his captain this unburdened or overjoyed. For a second he allowed himself the guilty pleasure of lowering his shields partially and touching their bond. As their prior contact had indicated, Jim was giving no thought to shielding, his mind lying wide open, and Spock could feel its lightness and joy. This perception of his friend, how carefree he felt, made Spock lose track of time and himself once again. Slowly his shields lowered further, without his intention, moving from the simple perception of the other to a deeper communication.

_*I should have done this ages ago.*_

Jim's thought rang clear through Spock's mind, startling the Vulcan out of his reverie. Slamming the shields shut once more, Spock got uncertainly to his feet.

He should not have permitted this to happen. Such a lapse of control and the unpermitted invasion of Jim's privacy was abhorrent. Jim had been generous enough to tolerate the unsought violation of his mind once and the tighter bond that was born of that event. Not only that, but he had decided to keep the bond and gone through the gruelling lessons of learning to control it rather than seek to have it dissolved, the least he could expect in return should be not to be violated when he temporarily decided to lower his shields.

Forcing himself not to look back at the blond one last time, Spock made his way along the edge of the plaza. As he walked down the hallway, seeking the solitude of his rooms, the Vulcan's thoughts drifted back in time.

**oOoOo **

_Circa 2 years prior_

_As Spock sounded the door buzzer to the captain's quarters he found that his nerves were becoming agitated once more. It had only been two days since they left Vulcan and they had not yet arrived at Altair VI and it appeared that that had not been enough time for him to restore his self-control completely. He would have preferred to wait, but unfortunately the subject would not permit that._

_The door opened and Spock stepped through._

_Kirk had clearly been lying on his bed reading, indicated by the book carelessly tossed on the small mantelpiece, but now he stood beside it looking uncertainly at his first officer._

"_Yes, Spock?"_

"_Captain, there is something we need to discuss."_

_The captain's demeanour immediately became strictly formal. Clasping his hands behind his back, he walked to his desk and leaned against the edge._

"_Yes, Mr. Spock. What is it?"_

_He had tried to think of a diplomatic way of bringing this up, but the only approach to the subject he had been able to think of was to plunge right in._

"_Captain, you recall that I explained to you how our prolonged companionship had formed a bond of friendship between us?"_

"_Yes, I do."_

"_And that such a bond was non-invasive, permitting only a general perception of the other person's well-being and state of mind?"_

"_Mmhm. I also recall you saying that because I'm human and a psi null, I might not feel much from it."_

"_Correct."_

_The next sentence felt like stepping off a precipice._

"_Captain, have you sensed a... change in... anything in the past two days?"_

"_Two... days? You mean that the bond changed during...?"_

_He did not wish to say the words aloud, or hear them said, as if speaking of his shameful actions would somehow render them more real. Illogical, but it felt thus._

"_During our... the events of the kal-if-fee... It appears that it has."_

_Surely the captain would address matters now, though for some reason he had refrained from doing so thus far. Though he had no recollection of what exactly he had done, the end result was only too clear. And inexcusable._

"_In what way?"_

_Spock frowned. _Why did the captain still restrain himself?_ Perhaps he did not fully understand._

"_It has grown to a point where emotional exchange is likely and perhaps even a transfer of thoughts."_

"_Telepathy?"_

"_To an extent. It usually requires deliberate action, but occasionally there may be an... unintentional overflow between minds. Particularly if they are highly compatible."_

"_And ours... are."_

"_Indeed."_

"_So. How do we deal with this? How would Vulcans deal with it?"_

"_With another Vulcan it would not present a problem-" _Another Vulcan would never have permitted an event such as this to transpire. Another Vulcan would have known how to fight him off, physically and mentally, but Jim – being human – had been vulnerable and defenceless_._ But how could he explain this? That he had forced Jim to mate with him was bad enough, how could he humiliate him further? Particularly when it was clear that Jim did not intend to pursue this issue, preferred perhaps to forget it._ Spock looked down, choosing his course. "- since they would have the mental shields necessary to prevent the overflow taking place unwanted."_

"_That's what you've been doing isn't it? You've been shielding everything in the last two days." Kirk shook his head and muttered, the tension that had so far suffused his body abruptly leaking out, making him appear deflated. "So that was why I couldn't feel you. It's always been muted, but for the past two days there's been nothing."_

"_Indeed."_

"_Spock, I... I'm sorry to be a burden like this. I wish- Could I learn to shield?" Before the Vulcan had a chance to answer Kirk continued. "Or... can it be... dissolved?"_

_The words felt like a punch, though they did not feel unfair. To have the bond dissolved when he had forced its creation would be the least that would have happened had his transgressions been against another Vulcan._

"_It is... possible. But... it does hold some difficulties. It would require the intervention of a healer."_

"_We don't have time to seek one out before we are to make our appearance at Altair VI, but after..."_

_A heavy weight settled on him and Spock found it a struggle simply to stay on his feet._

"_As you wish. I will make the necessary inquiries."_

_Before he could turn to leave, Jim's next words stopped him in his tracks._

"_'As _I_ wish'? What about you Spock? What do you want?"_

"_I have no right-"_

"_Yes you do. No don't shake your head, you _have_ a right. There are two of us in this. Spock... what happened... happened, and... we can't change that. If you truly wish to keep this bond, then... I'd be honoured."_

_Conflicting impulses made it impossible for him to think straight and he had to lean against the table to keep from falling over. Immediately a hand was on his arm._

"_Spock? Are you alright? If I said anything to offend-"_

_Spock vehemently shook his head._

"_You did not, but I did not expect... any of this."_

_The hand squeezed his triceps gently._

"_I hope none of the surprises have been bad?"_

_Feeling his equilibrium return, Spock pushed away from the table again._

"_They have not. As for your question about shielding I do not see why you should not be able to learn. Certainly my mother has learned to do so and the skill relies on mental fortitude rather than on any psychic ability."_

"_But you wish to keep it?" The worry in Jim's voice was transparent, though Spock could not quite figure out why his friend would feel this way._

"_I do. Its removal might prove to be painful and there are several professional benefits to keeping it-"_

"_Forget about work Spock, what about you?"_

"_And as I was about to say... I consider you my friend."_

_Kirk nodded slowly and a hesitant smile spread on his lips._

"_And I consider you mine. So, let's get to work."_

_The Vulcan frowned._

"_Shielding lessons. The sooner we start, the sooner I can do my part of it."_

"_As you wish. If you would sit down we can begin."_

**oOoOo **

"Brandy?" S'Krrl asked.

"Yes, thank you."

Kirk looked around the Caitian's small apartment. It was sparsely decorated and most of the wall hangings were pictures of chemical structures and physical renderings of subparticle phenomena. He fought to restrain a smile. Karl hadn't changed much, he really hadn't.

"Something amusing you?"

S'Krrl held out a glass of amber liquid to Jim."

Kirk took the glass with a warm smile.

"Just... reminiscing."

"Make yourself comfortable and we can reminisce some more." The Caitian nodded towards the sofa.

Jim sat and stretched out his legs. Sighing contentedly Jim nipped at the drink, letting the liquor burn down his throat.

"I'm glad you came," S'Krrl purred.

"Me too." Kirk downed the rest of the liquid and put the glass on the table. "I've missed you."

S'Krrl put his glass down next to Jim's, then let his now-free hand grab hold of the human's shoulder, turning him so they were face to face. The other hand came up and cupped the back of Jim's head, pulling him in close.

"You missed this too?" S'Krrl gently rubbed his face against the side of Jim's while one hand slid down Jim's arm and grasped his thigh, the thumb skirting close to Kirk's growing erection.

"Yes." Jim was already breathless from the caresses, it had been far too long since anyone had touched him this way, since he had willingly allowed anyone to. He raised his hands and grabbed S'Krrl by the shoulders, rubbing his face against the Caitian's in turn.

His shirt was tugged out of his jeans and strong hands slid up his back and down his sides. Undoing the collar of S'Krrl's tunic Jim pulled it over his head, leaving a fair-furred chest open to exploration.

Running his fingers through the pelt, Jim could feel S'Krrl's soft nips at his shoulder, the sharp canines leaving tiny pinpricks on his skin.

As he bent his head in to rub his face against S'Krrl's neck once more, Jim felt an odd reluctance starting to fill him. He dismissed it, but when the Caitian undid the buttons of his shirt and started pushing it off his shoulders, it returned with a vengeance.

Suddenly feeling very ill at ease, Kirk pushed his partner away.

"What's wrong?" S'Krrl asked.

"Can we take a break? It's just... it's been a while."

Studying him closely, the Caitian got to his feet and retrieved the bottle from the small cupboard. Pouring them both another drink, he reclined on the sofa.

"Is that all that's wrong?"

Feeling uncomfortable and oddly exposed, Kirk downed the drink, almost choking on it. "What else should there be?" he snapped.

"When you said that you and the Vulcan were only friends I believed you, and thought that the commander's infatuation must be a one-sided thing. But all I've heard about tonight is Spock."

"I know I've talked a lot about my job, and since Spock fills position as both Science Officer and First Officer that makes him a central character in that. If it bored you, you should have said something."

"It's not just your job. Every line of conversation we've had tonight has turned back to him."

Jim shook his head.

"I'm sorry if I've gone on too much about him. Let's forget about him." Putting a hand on S'Krrl's shoulder, he tugged at the Caitian. "Come here."

"Don't. I'm not a consolation prize."

"That's not how I see you."

"Really?"

"No, I... Karl, I'm sorry. I want this, I truly do."

"Then why is it that every line in your body, even your scent, is saying no? Don't bother denying it. I was there for the melt down with Janice, remember? You kept it on with her long after you stopped wanting her, I know all the signs of you being with someone you don't really want to be with. Are you sure you want to do that to me?"

Jim wanted nothing more than to argue, to tell Karl that he was wrong, but the words got stuck in his throat. It _wasn't_ Karl he wanted, not really. He had thought he did, and that for just one night he could forget his impossible dreams, seize hold of the real world and cling to it. But apparently he had lost his ability to grab the world and all he had left was castles in the air.

"You're right," he whispered, reaching for his discarded shirt. "I'm sorry. I'll just..."

Strong fingers locked around his wrist.

"You have it bad don't you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Jim, it's me. Karl. I _know_ you. I can't remember ever seeing you this unhappily in love."

"I'm... not-"

"Don't do that, Jim. Don't lie. Or lie to me if you must, but at least tell me you're not lying to yourself about this."

Clutching his shirt tightly in his fist as if it was the one solid point in a world gone out of control, Kirk spoke between clenched teeth.

"It... doesn't matter what I want or think of, Spock has made his intentions and interests, or rather lack of them, clear. I'm not about to push where I'm not wanted, you should know me well enough to know _that_."

S'Krrl huffed impatiently.

"You're an idiot, Jim. He's interested alright. You're telling me that you haven't noticed it? His display earlier today was obvious. When you said that the two of you were 'just friends' I just assumed that his desire was one-sided and decided to leave it alone, but if you feel that way Jim... Why the hell haven't you done something?"

Jim sighed, looking away.

_How could he explain his and Spock's relationship to Karl? That the Vulcan had named him friend, _telansu_, with all that that entailed? How what had happened on Vulcan had made them something more than friends in a way that Jim doubted even Vulcans had a word for? That he had for all intents and purposes been celibate for almost two years because of it? Because for all that it had felt so wrong, it had also felt right when Spock had forced him down on the sands. And a large part of him desperately wanted it to happen again. But that was the one thing he could not ask for, he had managed to make a justification for it once though it had felt paper thin. Spock had forgiven it, or at least accepted it as necessary, but had pulled away from intimacies ever since. No, whatever Vulcan instincts this odd bond they now shared had awakened in him, it was plain that he had no interest in more than what they already had._

"Leave it alone, Karl. It has nothing to do with you."

The Caitian flicked his ears in irritation.

"No? Would you say that _this_…" he waved a hand, indicating both their states of undress. "Has nothing to do with me? Your suddenly aborted attempt at making out is irrelevant for me?"

"I apologised for that. And it's to do with me, leave Spock out of it."

"It's to do with you, because of how you feel about him."

"It's more than that. I... We share-" He bit off the words before he revealed more than he meant to.

"Share what? A bond?"

Jim tried his best to remain impassive to the query, but an aborted. "How-" escaped him and it was difficult for him to hide his surprise.

"You forget Jim, I'm a scientist. Our first rule is 'question everything', the second 'observe' and the third 'research', between that and all the Vulcans in and out of here – all of them trying to be 'oh so mysterious' – it wasn't that hard to figure out that bondmates share a mental bond. And given how the commander behaves and then your behaviour..."

"We're not mated." When met with an incredulous stare, Kirk decided to speak more freely. In this case, keeping Spock's confidence would do more harm than good.

"Listen, it's not that they're trying to be mysterious, but they're a private people who don't like having everyone else sticking their noses into things that aren't really their business."

"And it lets them play all superior when we don't know all the mistakes they make."

"Do you want to hear this or not"

"Continue."

"Bondmates aren't the only ones who share a... mental connection. It's a part of their... social life. Friends, family, anyone who's close to another Vulcan has a connection of one sort or another with them."

"I wouldn't want a Vulcan rooting around in my mind."

"They don't, can't. Not with the normal forms of bonds. They just let the Vulcan know how the other person is. Sort of a... mental form of sight. Like, I can see you right now. I can see you're unhurt, but annoyed. That form of mental perception works over distance as well as in close proximity, but there's no transfer of thoughts or anything that complex."

"Sounds nifty. Though it must be bothersome if you have a lot of friends or an extended family."

"Mostly you don't notice it, any more than you notice your hands or feet. It's only if you focus or something is wrong it comes to the fore."

"So what you two share is what... a friendship bond."

"Yeah." Not entirely the truth, but then that was far too complicated and humiliating to explain, even to Karl.

"So why the freak out just now?" When Jim didn't answer, S'Krrl sighed. "We're back to you wanting more than what you have, aren't we?"

"As I said, it doesn't matter. It takes two to tango and Spock doesn't dance."

"So where does that leave us?"

Jim put on his shirt and started buttoning it.

"It leaves me going back to my rooms. This isn't going to work. I'm sorry, I really am."

S'Krrl rose to his feet and crossed the floor to stand in front of Jim. Gently he took the human by the shoulders.

"You really, really have it bad. Don't you?"

"_Kaiidth_."

The Caitian blinked.

"I didn't know you spoke Vulcan."

"Just that one word. It seemed... an appropriate word to learn."

He raised one hand and letting it rest against the Caitian's cheek.

"Good night, Karl."

Kirk turned and walked out the door. The sound it made as it closed behind him had an uncomfortable note of finality.


	2. Chapter 2

Jim flipped the page of the book, humming softly to himself. All in all the snowstorm wasn't such a bad thing, at least it let him get some reading done. It had also given him time to think about Karl, Spock and everything that had happened last night. He still liked the Caitian – always would – and he found him attractive, but when he started thinking of him, them, in a more intimate situation something in him rebelled.

He had briefly considered running the same 'test' with Spock, but had been held back by the same thing that always restrained him: fear that something might filter through their bond. Besides he didn't really need it, the thing was a non-issue anyway.

Maybe his worry that Spock might catch on to his activities was what held him back sexually? Maybe, but it also just felt wrong, to be with someone else when his heart belonged to the Vulcan.

But that boat had sailed two years ago, Spock might forgive but Kirk doubted he could or would forget. And even if Spock could do that, Jim was wary.

In the end he had left it there. It chagrined him that Karl had been right and that he had been blind to how deeply he felt for the Vulcan, but now he was aware. He would find Karl once the Caitian got off work and try to explain and apologise. Maybe the Caitian would still be interested in spending time together, even if it was only as friends – he could do with one of those just now.

He _had_ tried to contact him earlier, but Karl had said that there were tests running and he didn't get off till late. Jim just hoped it didn't mean that Karl was so mad at him that he wouldn't listen, even if Jim could understand why he would be.

The hotel's message system pinged and Jim got up to check it.

-Meet me on the 2nd terrace of 'The Icicle' at 20:10 tonight. We need to talk.-

The message came from a public message stand and had no ID. Kirk frowned, then smiled. Karl, it had to be, though the Caitian's language was usually more poetic than this. The message warmed him, that his friend and ex _wasn't_ angry about last night after all. He glanced quickly at the chrono, 19:30. He just had time to have a quick shower and get changed.

**oOoOo **

"Ah, there you are."

Walking down the hallway, Spock turned his head to see Karl prowl closer. It irritated him. The Caitian had shown up in the library several times during the day and attempted to initiate a conversation – first about the Ice Spiders, then science in more general terms and finally music – only to have Spock coldly rebuff him. In the end it had appeared that he had understood that the Vulcan did not desire to speak with him on any subject, but obviously it had only been a temporary retreat.

The Caitian stopped 1.4 meters away from him and let his eyes glide over the Vulcan's body as if trying to determine something. Finally he shrugged.

"Jim asked me to find you and give you this." He handed Spock a datacard and turned to leave.

"That is all?" Spock felt puzzled, this did not match with what little he had seen of the Caitian.

"That's all, Commander. Just doing a favour." Karl gave a brief smirk and left.

Spock pocketed the datacard and continued toward the recreational part of the complex where he had originally been heading. Five steps further on he pulled the card out of his pocket again and stared at it.

Why would Jim send his friend to deliver a datacard?If the captain wished to tell him something he would do so himself? Would he not?

Quickly making up his mind he decided that the research he had intended to conduct in the recreational centre's library could wait, but this mystery could not.

**oOoOo **

Upon arrival at The Icicle, Jim found himself escorted onto the 2nd terrace the moment he announced his identity. He tugged uncomfortably on his sleeve as the waiter led him through the main room and up the stairs to the closed off terrace. He hadn't realised how posh The Icicle would be and had just slipped on a green and black plaid shirt that he knew brought out his eyes and the least worn pair of jeans he'd brought. Looking around he was glad they were to dine in private since he felt woefully under dressed. If he had known the Caitian had intended to invite him to anywhere this posh he'd have bought new clothes.

His nerves didn't abate a whole lot when he was led onto the 2nd terrace itself. The room was small, no more than 7 by 10 meters with potted plants placed decoratively along the walls. The roof and farthest wall were made of transparent aluminium, giving the room's occupants a splendid view of the ice-covered landscape and starlit sky. In the middle of the room stood a table set for two with lit candles positioned in the centre. Soft violin music played in the background. After the debacle last night, the romantic setting puzzled him.

_What was Karl up to?_

Kirk sat down on one of the chairs and ordered a drink just to steady his nerves. The waiter disappeared to fetch the requested item, leaving him alone with his thoughts. He knew his nerves were... well, Spock would say illogical, Karl had invited him after all. No he wasn't here yet, but Kirk was a few minutes early and the Caitian had never been on time for anything in his life. Jim gave a bemused grin, he certainly had pulled out all the stops.

The waiter returned with his drink, and Jim sipped it while he tried very hard not to fidget. The minutes slid by, but finally the door slid open again. Jim opened his mouth, a quip about Karl's chronic tardiness, but the words died on his lips when he saw the person who stepped through the opening.

_Spock? How? It was Karl who... No wait, the message hadn't been signed, had been deliberately rendered as anonymous as possible. Had Spock been worried that he wouldn't come if he knew it was the Vulcan that had sent it?_

Spock stopped right inside the door, staring at the table and the man seated at it. Clearly this was meant as an assignation. He had suspected something of the kind when he had read the datacard immediately upon returning to his quarters. It was somewhat illogical of Jim to give him such a short deadline, the human could not have been certain that he would indeed read the card fast enough that he could make it here on time, but then that would hardly count amongst Jim's wildest gamble that he would indeed do so. Not quite certain what the request to join his captain at a fancy restaurant meant – Jim had never before displayed any intention of asking him on 'a date' – he had tried to dress as neutrally as possible, in a simple tunic and trousers, something he was thankful for given the human's own downplayed state of dress.

"Spock." Smiling, the captain rose and walked towards him.

"I apologise for my tardiness, but-"

The Vulcan looked so uncomfortable and out of his depth with all of this. Jim couldn't imagine how much courage it had taken for his friend to act on this. He grabbed Spock by the shoulders.

"Never mind Spock, you're here, that's what's important."

The Vulcan found himself relaxing at the captain's touch, the customary yearning for more a familiar and almost welcome ache inside. Jim felt the Vulcan ease up and his smile grew even wider.

"Let's eat, shall we?"

Still keeping hold of one of Spock's arms, Kirk walked them back to the table. They sat down, both somewhat nervously. Summoning the waiter they ordered.

Jim couldn't help but notice how Spock kept fidgeting, so very unlike him. _How nervous must he be? To do something like this. Had he really felt so threatened by Karl that it had provoked him into _this_?_

Apparently the Caitian had been even more right than Jim had thought, Spock really was interested. That thought filled Jim's stomach with pleasant butterflies, never had he been so pleased to be so wrong.

But that still left the issue of Spock's nerves. Jim didn't want the Vulcan to believe that his advances were unwelcome. He raised his glass.

"A toast."

Raising one eyebrow in that endearingly familiar way, Spock imitated the gesture.

"And what specifically do you wish to toast to?"

"Chances taken and gambles paying off. That it is possible to be lucky both in games and in love."

Spock clinked his glass against the captain's and drank, but he could not help a frown. It was not like Jim to court one person, then immediately switch to another. However he felt about his rival this did not sit easily with him.

"Jim. About your friend-"

"Let's not bring Karl into this." The Vulcan looked as if he was going to insist. Jim sighed. "Listen, what was between me and him was a long time ago, now we're just friends."

Last night's events had proven that beyond any doubts.

"And yet your conduct with him was very... familial." Had Spock's tone been the least bit berating Jim knew his hackles would have gone up, but it was merely curious.

"Karl's always been affectionate, even for a Caitian and well... it's been a long time since anyone touched me in that way."

Spock felt himself starting to blush. "And you would like me to... touch you?" It was uncomfortable question to ask and the words sounded stilted to his ears, but it was a question that he very much needed an answer to.

The Vulcan's discomfort was all to plain to Kirk.

"Spock I would never push you into doing anything you're not comfortable doing." He took a sip from his glass. "I just... I want you to know how much you mean to me, Spock. Nothing and no one could mean more. Whatever else happens, I want you to know that."

Though his lack of control in the past 24 hours was shameful, Spock found that he could not entirely mind if it had led to this, Jim looking at him, eyes wide and more vulnerable than he ever remembered seeing. With deliberate care, Spock reached out and put a hand on Jim's arm, closing his fingers gently around it.

Jim felt warmth spread through him at the gesture, he put one hand over Spock's and squeezed it softly, attempting to return it.

They stayed like that until waiter entered with their meal and broke the enchantment.

Spock gently reclaimed his hand.

"Perhaps we should eat?" he offered.

Jim smiled. _How unusual it was for the Vulcan to say something just to fill the silence_. Spock must be even more nervous than Jim had thought. "Of course."

At first the conversation was stilted and awkward, both uncertain how to conduct themselves in this new situation, but soon enough they fell into familiar habits and relaxed into the easy companionship they had so often shared, though with a touch of something new. Time and again their hands would brush against each other as both reached for something on the table at the same time, leading first to sudden withdrawal but slowly evolving into lingering touches and then caresses.

Despite the unusual way he had ended up in this room, Spock found that he enjoyed himself. He had never been courted in this fashion – nor courted anyone else – but he began to see the charm of this ritual, illogical though it was. More than that, he found that he very much wished that Jim would bring these events to their customary conclusion.

So when their meal was at an end and Jim rose from his chair, Spock too stood, unsure how to proceed. As Jim put one hand on his arm, smiling widely, Spock found that he was unable to control his heartbeat.

"Thank you Spock, for a lovely evening."

Spock felt the hand trail down his arm, the fingers closing around his wrist, then Jim stepped away. Spock frowned. _Had he not been clear enough that he too wanted to share the dream that Jim had built for them tonight? Perhaps he had not._ He often struggled with realising how much was enough and whether or not his responses were too minute for a human to tell what he thought, though it would have been painfully clear to another Vulcan. So perhaps a louder demonstration was needed.

Reaching out and taking Jim's hand in his, Spock pulled him back close.

"I believe this is the point where I invite you back to my rooms." There. This could not possibly be misunderstood.

Jim blinked. "You... you don't have to do this, Spock."

_Had Jim somehow taken what might appear to him as a lack of response to be a rejection? Did he truly think that he would say this merely to please?_

"I am aware of that, Jim. I... I wish..." He ground his teeth in frustration. In Vulcan it would have been easy for him to explain what he desired and why he wished for further closeness between them, but he could not make sense of the Federation Standard words for it. Instead he let his shields fall away, hoping that Jim did not hold his so tightly that he would not be able to feel him. Reaching out, Spock let one hand rest against the side of Jim's face and ran his thumb over the cheekbone.

Jim gasped and shivered. His shields had by no means been locked tight and the wave of intensity coming from the Vulcan knocked them down further. The tsunami of confusion, want, aching longing and gentle warmth hit him, bringing tears to his eyes.

"Spock," he whispered.

"Do you understand?"

At first Jim could only nod, then, swallowing, he answered, "Yes. Or at least, I think I do."

The Vulcan let his hand drop from Jim's face.

"Will you join me then?"

"Yes. Lead on."

They had traversed the corridors in silence, the quiet between them not the easy companionable silence they usually shared, but a thing charged with unknowns.

As they reached Spock's hotel and entered his rooms, the tension grew until it was an almost physical thing between them.

Standing in the middle of the room, Jim's presence felt like a scorching flame next to him, a heat which he could not ignore. The desire to lower his shields and touch Jim again was stronger than ever.

"Perhaps I should go?" the blond said as the silence had dragged on for several minutes.

Spock snatched hold of his arm.

"No!"

The thought of Jim leaving filled him with a cold emptiness.

"Forgive me, I... am... not experienced... in these things."

A tiny smile played over Jim's lips.

"You've been doing a good job of winging it then, Commander."

Strangely, the formality of Jim's address made Spock feel more relaxed.

"I do not have any alcoholic beverages, but perhaps I could interest you in some fruit juice?"

Jim seized on this peace offering.

"Certainly."

As he began to fill the glasses from the fridge-chilled bottle, Spock found that he had difficulties in keeping his hands still, fine tremors constantly running through the epidermis.

"Spock." Warm fingers closed around his wrist.

Turning his head, Spock found Jim's face right next to his. The captain's lips were slightly parted and Spock glimpsed the pink tongue.

Letting go of the bottle and glass, leaning forward as if drawn by an invisible force, Spock closed the last few inches between them.

When their lips made contact, he felt Kirk's soft sigh like a gentle breeze.

Jim's lips slid against his, his tongue licking the seam seeking entry. Gasping Spock opened his mouth and Jim thrust the tip between the now open lips, teasing the tip of Spock's tongue.

The fires of passion lit in his mind, Spock started shaking. He had only experienced flames like this during _pon farr_ and the memories of that time started to clamour, pressing in on him.

_-The desperate need.-_

Warm hands sliding under his shirt, flattening against his back.

_-The desire to simply take what he wished.-_

Hot lips, ghosting across his jawline, closing over his earlobe.

_-A lifeless body in his hands.-_

"No!"

Panting, he violently showed Jim away. The human tumbled backwards, hitting the wall ungraciously. Steadying himself against it Jim stared at his friend's wild eyed face.

"Spock?" He reached for the Vulcan, only to have his hand viciously batted away.

"Do not touch me."

"What's wrong? One moment you were all enthusiasm and now..."

"Forgive me," Spock said hoarsely. "I thought I could maintain my composure."

"Unless Vulcans work _very_ differently than humans that would be impossible as soon as we moved beyond kissing."

"I should not... I cannot. I am sorry."

Hearing his own words to Karl last night echoed back at him this way felt like a knife in Kirk's gut.

"Spock, you are far from a fool. Don't tell me you didn't know that things would escalate if we started kissing," he said softly.

"I should not..."

"Spock, if you knew you couldn't go through with this why did you invite me back here? And why on Earth did you invite me on a date tonight?"

Puzzled, Spock turned to look at Jim.

"I did not. I got an invitation from you."

"What are you talking about? I never sent-" Kirk's words were interrupted by a datapadd thrust at him. _-Meet me on the 2__nd__ terrace of the Icicle at 20:10 tonight. We need to talk.-_ The exact same message he had received.

_Karl, there could be no other explanation._

"I- I'm sorry Spock. I didn't send you this," he said, his lips feeling numb, his heart plummeting. "I shouldn't have come back here, I knew something was off."

"Jim what do you mean? If you did not send this..."

"I know who did and I'll have a little chat with him. I'm sorry I upset you Spock. I wish... It was a nice evening, the other parts of it."

Despite his shields, Spock could feel the heavy sadness radiating off his captain. The deep anguish gave him the courage to speak again.

"Jim, do not go."

Jim hesitated, his back towards the Vulcan, but moved no closer to the door.

"I wish... I wish I could... I want to, but-" He let the remaining of the sentence remain unsaid, not knowing the right words to form it.

"But if you want to, then why...?" Jim asked quietly, turning back around.

"When we kissed it was safe, but then... fires burned me. The last time I felt fire like this was during my time and back then..." Spock stared helplessly at the captain. How could he put this into words, the fear and crippling guilt. Hesitantly he reached out one hand and circled his fingers around Jim's neck where once the _ahn-woon_ had touched.

"Spock, nothing that happened there was your fault. You didn't- it was McCoy's injection. You know that. You- you weren't even trying to kill me at that time."

"Was I not?" The Vulcan's voice was terse, his words snappish and harsh.

"No, surely you know that."

"I must take your word for it, though I find it difficult to believe."

"What do you mean?"

"I cannot remember."

Kirk frowned.

"You can't remember anything. Nothing at all?"

"My recollection of the ceremony is incomplete and from the onset of the _plak tow_ I can recall nothing."

"You mean in all this time, all these _years_, you haven't known what actually happened?"

Spock turned his gaze away in shame, a furious blush creeping into his cheeks.

"Only what I could logically deduce."

So many feelings rose in Kirk all at once. _Spock didn't know- Had never know what he- Did this mean that he had a chance? No he couldn't. It was wrong, more wrong even than- Spock looked so guilty. Had he believed he was to blame, all this time? That he had forced- That was how it must look like to him, without any other knowledge. So he hadn't forgiven, instead he had carried the guilt of-_

Jim's heart clenched painfully at that thought. _No! He couldn't allow that to go on any longer, even if it meant that Spock would throw him out when he learned the truth._

"You are wrong in what you believe." Spock opened his mouth to protest, but Kirk kept on talking.

"I'll prove it to you. In a mind meld you can see memories can't you?"

Spock nodded.

"Then... join with me. See what really happened."

"Jim, I could not ask you to relive such a traumatic event."

"You're not asking, I'm offering. And... you need to see this, even if... you won't like what you see."

"Jim, if you speak the truth about my actions then I cannot see how-"

"You'll understand once we're done."

Hesitantly Kirk sat down on the sofa, looking at Spock, trying his best to keep all his conflicting emotions under control.

Spock, uncomprehending, sat down next to him.

"Are you sure-"

"Yes I am. You need to see this."

"Very well then."

Placing his fingers over Jim's meld points, Spock spoke. "My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts."

**oOoOo **

_The sun burned fiery through his uniform shirt and hair, scalding his skin. The thin, hot air caused him to feel dizzy and made it hard to think straight._

Why had T'Pring chosen him as her champion? It made no sense.

_He was talking, he could hear his own voice, though it sounded as if it came from miles away. And all his words sounded like gibberish to his own ears._

How could Bones not tell?

_While he was babbling his mind worked furiously. _If he chose not to fight, if he backed out now, what then? T'Pring would find another champion, someone who might kill Spock. But if he was the one who fought, he was the one who would end up with his friend's blood on his hands, or die by Spock's.

How had they both ended up in this mess?

_Casting a sideways glance at Spock, Kirk's heart clenched. None of these possibilities were acceptable, but what choice did he have? Did any of them have? Spock needed a mate, if he didn't find someone to have sex with he would die anyway and all of this would have been for naught._

_No, not just sex, not the way humans thought of it. A mate? Vulcans needed a bond to mate with someone..._

_He and Spock, they shared a bond. Could that possibly..._

_Kirk's mouth went dry. No! He couldn't do that. It was tantamount to rape. Spock was in no condition to accept or refuse._

_'As he won't be able to accept or refuse any mate put in his path,' a small devilish voice prompted in the back of him head. 'Why shouldn't it be you?'_

_Then he had no more time for thought as Spock's _lirpa_ lashed out at him, slicing him across the chest. The shallow wound burned as deep as his sudden sense of betrayal. Spock was truly trying to kill him, would kill him... unless._

He had to initiate his plan, if he didn't he'd end up dead.

_Still he hesitated. To force this on Spock, just to save his life... But if he didn't..._

_Out of the corner of his eye he caught a glimpse of T'Pring, her face as cold and hard as stone. If Spock won he'd be stuck with _her_!_

_His momentary distraction gave Spock the chance he needed and Kirk nearly found his head cleaved in two._

"_Kroika." The word cut through the air like a knife, apparently calling a pause in the violence._

_Bones approached him with a hypo. An injection that would give him a second wind, god knew he needed it._

_"You're going to have to kill him, Jim."_

_"Kill Spock? That's not what we came to Vulcan for, is it?"_

_No, he had to play out his idea. There was no choice. But how?_

_He stared at the odd leather strap that was placed in his hand, then found himself involved in a tug-of-war with his friend, Spock's body on top of his, pressing him into the sand._

_On instinct Jim bucked up against him, pressing his body hard against Spock's, but the Vulcan didn't respond._

Wait they needed the bond?

_Not quite sure how to do this, or even if it could be done, Kirk tried to reach mentally for Spock, as he did so physically. At first there was nothing, then slowly, ever so slowly, it felt like he was pressing against, through, a mucous membrane reaching: anger, need, pain, desire._

_The feeling instantly aroused him, making him almost painfully hard and sent him reeling mentally, letting Spock grab hold of him forcing him backwards over the burning embers._

_He shoved aside the shame and embarrassment he felt at his condition. _What had he thought would happen? _He didn't have time to consider any of it._

_He pressed himself up against Spock, felt the Vulcan's erection pressing against his crotch. Pressing further, grinding against it, he was suddenly lifted up and thrown onto the sands. Spock's body pressed down on his full length and the _ahn-woon_ was looped around his neck. For a second he panicked, but then he felt Spock press down on him further without the leather strap tightening, rather it held him in place. A leash instead of a weapon._

Yes Spock, claim me. Finish this and we'll deal with the fallout after.

_The Vulcan's mind burned against Kirk, incinerating all in its path. Kirk panted hard as his friend ground his body against his again and again. He had no will of his own any more, could only surrender to this._

_Abruptly Spock flipped them over, and Kirk was now astride his friend. Panting hard, he gripped Spock's hips with his thighs, rutting against the Vulcan. The _ahn-woon_ was wrapped loosely around his neck, a leash holding him in place._

_Vaguely recalling that they were supposed to be fighting, he reached out and wrapped his hands around Spock's neck in a mock-choking grip._

_Darkness crept into the corners of his vision and he shook his head vehemently, trying to dismiss them. Bones's potion must be wearing off. He fought to remain conscious, riding his friend closer and closer to the edge. Then his mind exploded in fire and need and sent him spiralling into darkness._

Spock's hand fell away along with the presence of his mind and Jim looked down on his hands that lay clasped in his lap. The Vulcan remained silent and Kirk rose awkwardly to his feet. The memories he'd just relived burned in his mind, along with his shame and horror at his actions.

"I'm...sorry, Spock. I just hope that... someday you'll be able to forgive me."

"I cannot offer you my forgiveness."

The words felt like a knife in Jim's gut, the pain of it making him dizzy. It felt like he would either vomit or faint.

_I'm sorry Spock. I'm so sorry._

Kirk was so lost in his misery that he did not hear Spock rise and go to him and when the Vulcan placed his hand on Jim's shoulder the human started.

"Jim, I cannot offer you my forgiveness. As I said before, to do so would imply that I perceived that a wrong had been committed against me. I do not. It is not my forgiveness you need, but your own."

The thumb of Spock's hand rubbed gentle circles over Jim's shoulder blade.

"When faced with an impossible situation you took the only logical recourse."

"But-"

"No, Jim. Your worries are unfounded. You could not have forced me to mate with you against my wishes. Had I not wanted you as well the bond would not have grown and your gamble not worked."

"You're not making sense, Spock. If an unwanted bond can't grow, then why have you thought that _I_ didn't want it?"

"Forgive me, I was imprecise. It could not be forced on a _Vulcan_. As you are human, and had no mental defences it is entirely possible I could have bound our minds against your desire."

"And now that you know that it was not. And that you weren't trying to kill me at the time, rather the opposite." Jim smiled.

Spock looked down.

"It not so easy to forgive yourself, even if it's based on irrational fear is it?"

"Indeed not."

"So what happens now?"

"Perhaps it would be best if you left."

"Do you really want that? I don't... why? Just tell me why."

"Jim, even if the evidence I based my concern of harming you on is false, the argument is still valid. If I lose control of myself I may cause you serious injury. Since losing control holds peril, there are things I will be unable to give you. For instance, as a human you need sex-"

"No. There are plenty of humans who never have sex, either because they choose not to or because that's just how their sexuality is wired, and they do quite well."

"But you are not one of them."

Kirk snorted.

"Do you know how long it's been since I had sex with anyone? Willingly and while in my right mind?" The Vulcan shook his head. "Over two years. And you know what I'm missing of it?"

"Since there is something that you do miss, my argument-"

"Isn't valid, you didn't let me finish." Jim stepped close to Spock, folded his arms around the Vulcan's chest and laid his head against his shoulder. "This. Physical intimacy, being held. Is this something you can't give?"

"Jim." Spock's voice sounded broken and Jim reached out to the Vulcan through their bond but was met only with the mirror blankness of shields locked tight. "Please, do not delude yourself that it will be enough for you in the long run."

"Kissing went well until I pushed things, didn't it? Could we try that again?"

"It is not that simple. If we continue physical closeness we will become bonded as mates."

"But we're already bonded. We used it for mating. I felt you."

"Since the bond formed on its own instead of being constructed, it has not settled as a permanent mating bond. And it might not. Unless we allow it to do so through our actions."

"Such as, keeping on kissing?"

"Correct."

"Do you want to?" His words were met with a frown. "Do you want to be physical with me? To have sex with me? Forget the possibility of hurting me, do you _want_ to?"

"Yes."

"And what would you need from this? You've been talking so much about me and neatly avoiding mentioning what you would need from a bonding."

"A mate in another five years' time or so."

"What else?"

"A... companion." Tentatively Spock's hand brushed across the meld points of Jim's face. "Just as human spouses share their bodies with each other, it is customary for Vulcan bondmates to share their minds."

"You are welcome, Spock. Any time. I have always enjoyed the touch of your mind, even when it was strictly for work purposes."

Letting his hand slide around to cup the back of Jim's head, he pulled the blond closer and brushed his lips against softly against the human's.

"I am still uncertain how much I could give you in return."

Jim remained passive, simply enjoying the soft contact for long seconds until Spock pulled back.

"For how long would we have to engage in... physical intimacy before the bond became settled?"

"Unknown. It would depend on too many variables to give any certain estimate."

"If we kept to kissing, and only kissing, what would your best estimate be? Are we talking days, weeks, months?"

"Weeks, possibly months, though it _is_ impossible to-"

"So we would have some time to find out if we could give each other what we need?"

"Yes, I believe so."

"So perhaps we could kiss? See where that leads?"

Logically Spock knew this was unwise, that they should refrain from further intimacies, but the temptation of Jim so willingly offering himself was too much even for the Vulcan's significant self-control.

Holding Jim tightly, he brushed his lips against the human's once more, revelling in their softness. He felt Jim return the gentle pressure, his hands coming up and tangling themselves in Spock's hair. Then the world titled and Spock found himself on his side on the bed.

Blinking rapidly he pulled back, looking confused from Kirk to the place where they had been standing a moment ago. _How had Jim succeeded in moving them without him realising it?_

"Perhaps you had something else on your mind?" Jim laughed.

_Had Jim heard his thoughts? Or merely deduced them?_

As Jim leaned in and kissed him again, Spock dismissed the questions as irrelevant.

The human's desire bled through the Vulcan's skin, teasing him with its heat. As Jim nipped his lower lip Spock couldn't hold back a groan. He wanted more. The physical contact mixed with just a barest hit of Jim's mind was not enough.

He hesitated briefly. This form of contact was not normally part of human intimacy so Jim might find it uncomfortable, but he had expressed a wish to know what Spock would need and touching through the bond _was_ very much a part of Vulcan intimacy.

"Spock? Is everything okay? You seemed... distant."

Blinking, the Vulcan realised that Jim had stopped his kisses.

"I am well but... will you permit me something?"

"Whatever you want."

His decision made Spock lower his shields a few fractions, allowing the bond to bloom and his mind to touch Jim's.

Surprise flowed through their link, then warmth mixed with enjoyment as the captain lowered his own shields in turn.

Spock kissed Jim again and could feel the human's mind as he relaxed into it, lowering his shields fully and leaving his aroused mind naked. Overwhelmed, he gasped at the sudden intimacy. Spock deepened the kiss, craving more of it, and tried to tug Kirk's shirt out of his jeans.

The human reached down and stopped his hand.

"Only kissing. That was the agreement," Jim whispered against his lips. He couldn't hold back a smile at the look of consternation that crossed Spock's face. Despite the doubts he harboured, the Vulcan seemed quite eager. "Very well then, any skin we can get at without removing clothes is fair game. But all our clothes stay on tonight."

A look that Kirk could only describe as impish bloomed in Spock's eyes. Pressing him gently down onto the mattress, so that Kirk was flat on his back, the Vulcan brushed his lips butterfly soft against the human's. Slowly, still giving barely there brushes of his lips, he moved along Jim's cheek, turning his head to make better contact, around the outer shell of his ears and then down his neck. Lingering for several moments at his collarbones, Spock proceeded to make a return trip to Jim's lips, but this time paid attention to the other side of Jim's face.

Throughout the exploration, Jim remained passive, lying with his eyes closed and letting Spock do as he pleased. Despite the gentleness of it all, or perhaps because of it, he found himself panting. He had forgotten how much of a turn-on making out was. The flickering desire he felt flowing through the bond didn't exactly help to keep things calm.

The bed shifted as Spock sat back on his heels, making Kirk open his eyes and look questioningly at him. Raising one eyebrow the Vulcan took one of Jim's hands, the sleeve of his shirt sliding halfway down his arm, and raised it to his lips. He brushed soft kisses across the skin of first the back of Jim's hand, then the palm and finally down the now bared wrist, nibbling the tender skin.

"Spock." Kirk's voice was breathless.

"Yes, Jim."

"Ease up a bit, would you?"

"Forgive me."

"Nothing to forgive. I'd forgotten how intense kissing could be. Not to mention..."

"Yes?"

"Well, I think it's the bond. I can... feel you. Or at least I think I can."

"That is entirely possible, since... I am currently able to feel you."

Blood shot into Kirk's face.

"Really?"

"Indeed. It is quite pleasurable. I apologise for getting carried away."

"No don't apologise. It's... pleasurable from this end too," Jim grinned. "But let's stick to kissing like we agreed. I'm not quite sure how I'd handle anything more right now."

"As you wish."

"Well, then."

Pushing up on his elbow, Jim reached out and grabbed hold of Spock's shoulder, leaned in and kissed him warmly, fully on the mouth. He turned them over so that it was Spock that lay on his back. It was now Kirk's turn to explore the Vulcan's face, ears and neck with his mouth, drawing tiny pants and moans from Spock that he never thought he'd get to hear from the composed Vulcan.

But all good things come to an end. When Kirk yawned for the fifth time in three minutes, Spock pushed him back.

"You should rest."

Sighing heavily, Jim nodded.

"Yes, I know. I just... I don't want to go. This is too good to let go."

"If you wish, you could stay."

"You think that would be a good idea?"

"We have shared sleeping quarters, even a bed, before."

"Because it was necessary that we did so."

"If I have transgressed-"

"No! No, not at all. But you don't have to ask me to stay unless you want me to."

"Jim I... would like it, very much, if you stayed."

"Erm, I... I haven't brought anything to sleep in so I'd have to sleep in my underwear."

"And this bothers you?"

"Not really, but I thought it might bother you."

Spock considered the point, but since Vulcans thought nothing of physical nudity he summarily dismissed it.

"No, it does not."

"Well in that case... Mind if I borrow one of the hotel toothbrushes?"

"Not at all." Spock nodded towards the bathroom with a 'help yourself' gesture.

As Jim brushed his teeth, Spock quickly changed into his night robe, its silky, black fabric falling gracefully about his lean frame and its deep V neck revealing most of his chest.

Coming out of the bathroom, still in his shirt and jeans, Jim's gaze fell on Spock and he could feel a blush creep back into his cheeks at the attractive vision the Vulcan presented.

"Jim?"

"Nothing. You... I realised that I'd never seen you in your sleepwear before. Do you always wear that when you sleep?"

"This or a similar robe. Do you find it inappropriate?"

"Not at all... It's... Well I never really gave any thought to what Vulcans commonly slept in."

"Is there any reason you should?"

"No, I suppose not." Rallying himself to try and end the increasingly awkward, at least for him, conversation, he stepped aside to leave an open path to the bathroom.

"Well, your turn."

Spock went inside, leaving Jim to consider whether or not this idea of sleeping over was such a good one. Him, in bed, with Spock, and Spock dressed like _that_. He felt himself flush again. It was going to take some self-restraint on his part to keep his hands to himself, but the thought of going back to his cabin and with its lonely bed felt unbearable. No, he'd just have to display a bit of self-control. Surely he could manage that.

Decision made, Kirk stripped down to his briefs and slipped into the bed, pulling up the covers and turning down the lights so only the bedside lamps were lit. When Spock re-entered the bedroom, he found Kirk reclining against the pillows, covers covering him from the waist down, the features of his face and contours of his torso made even softer than usual by the dim lighting.

Swallowing hard, Spock walked closer.

"I didn't know which side of the bed you wanted so I just picked one. We can switch if you prefer the other."

"There is no logic in 'preferring one side' as the mattress, pillows and covers are the same on both. If you are comfortable there, I shall take the other."

Sliding elegantly beneath the covers on the other side of the bed, Spock reached over Kirk and switched off the bed lamp. Laying down, neither of them able to see in the pitch black room, Spock tugged at Jim's arm.

"It would be pertinent for you to lie down if you intend to sleep."

Jim slipped further down, curled up on his side and made himself as comfortable as he could, though he was keenly aware of Spock lying right behind him.

The sudden touch of a furred chest to his back, silky fabric against the back of his thighs and a lean arm snaking around his waist made him stiffen in surprise.

Immediately the body retreated, making Kirk grab for the retreating arm.

"Don't... don't go. I... just didn't... I didn't think you'd be a cuddler."

"I do not know that I am. But as I understand it, this is a common behaviour between humans when they share a bed intimately and I find that I wish to hold you if you will permit it."

"Go right ahead, Spock." Jim shuffled back so that his body pressed against Spock's once more. He felt the Vulcan relax and lie back down, curling up against Jim's back. Jim expected it to feel tense at first or at least a little bit awkward, being this close to Spock while remaining chaste, but for some reason it didn't. Instead, it felt like the most natural thing in the world to lie here in Spock's embrace.

Closing his eyes and sighing contentedly, Jim finally allowed his exhaustion to take over.

"Good night, Spock," he muttered.

Spock's returned "Good night, Jim" was the last thing he heard before he fell fast asleep.

**oOoOo **

When he woke, Kirk found himself alone. He reached out and touched the other half of the bed, but it was stone cold. He sat up and looked about, finding the room empty and silent, with no noises even coming from the bathroom.

He swallowed. It didn't have to mean anything, in all likelihood Spock had just decided to get on with his day seeing no logic in lurking about watching Kirk sleep when he was wide awake. He considered reaching for Spock through the bond, but decided that he didn't want to disturb the Vulcan. No, that wasn't it. He was afraid, afraid of what he'd find – or maybe not find – at the other end of that bond, afraid that Spock had locked him out.

He sat and hugged his knees, but the restlessness he felt wouldn't leave him. He pushed out of the bed and reached for his shirt which now lay neatly folded on the chair. In doing so his fingers brushed against Spock's sleeping robe, which the Vulcan had also hung over the back of the chair. The material was soft and silky beneath his fingers, like it had been against Kirk's skin that night.

Lifting the robe off the chair, he held it in his hands, burying his face in it. It smelled of Spock, acerbic, alien, soft, earthy and oh so familiar. Standing abruptly, Kirk pulled it over his head. It was far too long, dragging over the floor, a bit too wide over the shoulders too. Sometimes he forgot how muscular Spock was. He hugged his arms around his chest, pressing the material against his body, revelling in the feel, attempting to capture the essence of the Vulcan once more.

The door to the corridor slid open, causing Kirk's head to fly up. Spock, carrying a tray with breakfast on it, stepped through.

Jim's heart clenched at the scene and suddenly he felt deeply ridiculous as he stood there in Spock's night robe.

Frowning Spock put the tray on the table and turned to Kirk.

"Jim, may I ask why are you wearing my robe?"

"Because I'm a fool." He couldn't look at Spock, felt ashamed of his doubts. He pulled the robe back over his head and dropped it back on the chair where it came from. Now only clad in briefs he felt even more like an idiot, if that were possible. "You were gone when I woke, I thought... I thought that maybe you had changed your mind."

Spock stepped close and pulled him into an embrace.

"While I still harbour doubts as to whether or not I will be able to give you what you need, I have not changed my mind in the course of the last eight-point-three hours. If you are willing to chance this, then so am I."

Kirk buried his face in a warm, bony shoulder.

"As for leaving, I assumed you would appreciate the chance to eat with me in private rather than in the dining room below."

"I do. But you didn't have to fetch it yourself, hotels have staff for that."

"Yes, but I wished to be certain that everything was as it should be."

An odd warmth filled Jim. He'd never have thought of Spock as particularly romantic, but right now, if nothing else, the Vulcan was making a good imitation of it.

"Let me put some clothes on and we'll eat."

Hurriedly he pulled his jeans on and slipped into his shirt. He was still buttoning it as he sat down at the table.

Spock had set out the dishes: bread, cheeses, one bowl with small apple-like fruits in it and another with a mix of various nuts.

Jim helped himself to some cheese and a slice of bread. The moment he bit into it he realised that this wasn't from a syntheziser, but that Spock somehow had hunted down real food.

Looking up at the Vulcan he saw his friend apparently deeply absorbed by his own meal, but there was light blush on his neck as if he was embarrassed and deflecting attention by appearing preoccupied.

Kirk was having none of that. Reaching out one hand to grab Spock's, causing the Vulcan to lift his head and meet Jim's gaze, Kirk lifted the captured prize to his lips and brushed them softly over the skin.

Spock's blushed deepened and rose to his cheeks as well.

"Thank you, it's been ages since I had a real meal. Don't tell me that food from a syntheziser has the same nutritional values, it's not the same thing. It just isn't."

"If you say so, Jim."

"I do."

"May I have my hand back? Eating one handed is awkward."

"Certainly. I didn't mean to keep it."

"At almost any other time you would be welcome to do so."

Spock returned his attention to his meal, now far more relaxed, leaving Kirk to blush suddenly, unobserved.

Kirk gathered himself and cast about for a topic of conversation.

"By the way, thank you for letting me stay. I can't remember when I last slept this well."

Spock looked back up, with that tiny smile of his.

"I find myself well rested too."

"That's good. I feared I would snore so loudly that I'd keep you awake all night."

"I can inform you that you do _not_ snore. Snuffling though-"

"I don't snuffle."

Spock merely rose one eyebrow which made Jim chuckle.

"I snuffle?" Jim shook his head. "It didn't disturb you I hope?"

"Not in the least, I found it soothing."

"You're welcome to it any time."

Realising how that sentence sounded and not wanting to conjure up any more mental images of him and Spock together in bed – they'd never get out of the room if he didn't stop – Kirk abruptly changed the subject.

"What did you intend to do today?"

"I had intended to continue my research. Unless... do you wish for us to do something together?"

While 'doing something together' – like undressing again, going back to bed and cuddling the Vulcan for the rest of the day – did sound interesting, it might be better if they didn't. He didn't want to spook his friend with too much intimacy too quickly, and he himself could do with some time to think as well. Not to mention the fact that he needed to see a Caitian about a datacard.

"No. Please, continue your day as you intended. But promise me something?"

"If it is within my ability."

"Have dinner with me again tonight?"

"That is most certainly within my abilities. I would be delighted to."

"My place then? 1900?"

"I believe the expression is, 'it is a date, then'."

Blushing once more, Jim replied, "that is indeed the expression."

Jim rose slightly awkwardly from his seat.

"Until tonight then."

Spock rose and followed him to the door.

"Jim, I believe you are forgetting something."

"What would I be forgetting?"

Spock leaned in and kissed Jim softly. Kirk felt his knees go weak and when Spock let go they were both slightly short of breath.

"It is my understanding that this is the traditional parting greeting between humans who are on intimate terms."

"It's... not uncommon. Though it isn't mandatory either."

"Do you find in unpleasing?"

"No! Not at all."

"Then I see no reason not to defer to tradition."

Jim studied the Vulcan's face, seeing both worry and desire in his eyes.

"How do... what do Vulcans that are intimate do when they part?"

Spock held out his hand, two fingers straight, in the same gesture Jim had seen Spock's parents do. Jim imitated the gesture and pressed his fingers against Spock's.

"Parted from me and never parted," the Vulcan intoned.

Jim recalled the words. Spock had said them when he greeted T'Pring. _How did the response go?_

"Never and always... touching and touched."

"You remember."

How could he explain what he had felt the first time he heard those words, why they had burned themselves into his memory? And all that it did to him to hear them again, now, directed at him. He settled for the briefest answer he could think of.

"Yes."

Spock appeared to struggle with how to respond, several expressions flittering across his face, too quickly for Jim to determine what any of them were. In the end he simply lowered his hand and stepped back.

"I will see you tonight," he said softly.

Jim smiled at him.

"Tonight," he confirmed.

Turning decisively on his heel, he opened the door and left, before the temptation to stay became too strong. After all, he really did need to talk to Karl.

**oOoOo **

The moment S'Krrl opened the door, Jim stepped through, pushing the Caitian violently aside. He had worked up a temper on his walk here. The more he had thought about just how much things could have gone wrong with Spock last night, how they could _still_ go wrong, the angrier he got.

Three steps into the hall, Kirk spun around on his heel, staring intently at his former partner.

S'Krrl closed the door and turned with a 'well, what?' expression on his face.

"What did you think you were playing at?" Jim snapped. Whatever goodwill he had felt when he left Spock's rooms was gone now.

"Jim."

"Don't play innocent with me. That 'unsigned' message I got, the datacard you delivered to Spock. You set us up."

"And if I did?"

"Just... Why? Was this some sort of getting back at me for last night?"

S'Krrl huffed impatiently.

"I don't carry grudges, you know that. As for why? Well neither of you were going to do anything about it, so I... nudged."

"Karl, you have no idea do you? I told you to leave Spock alone. To not interfere..."

"What happened? Don't tell me he turned you down? The man was positively gagging for-"

Kirk's fist slammed into the wall.

"Don't. Really Karl, don't- go there. You don't... You really don't know."

"Jim?"

Kirk nailed the Caitian with an incendiary stare. "If I lose Spock's friendship over this, if I lose _him_... I will never forgive you."

Pushing past the speechless man, Jim opened the door and stalked down the corridor.

He kept up the pace until he was out of breath and out of bearings. Having no energy to try and figure out where in the complex he was, he located one of the small floral garden alcoves and sat on the bench.

Damn it. He had wanted to have words with Karl over what he'd done, but he hadn't intended to act that forcefully. But even the _thought_ of possibly losing Spock made everything inside him rebel and the Vulcan had been so afraid last night, it was still all too possible that he would bolt.

Jim folded his hands and rested his forehead against them.

He would have to find some way of getting across to Spock that he would not demand sex of him, as part of a relationship. That it _wasn't_ a need for him. What they had shared last night – the cuddles, the kisses; _Oh God the kisses_ – it had been perfect. If that was all he got outside _pon farr_, it would be enough and more than he had ever expected. _And to feel the Vulcan's mind, so shyly revealing itself..._ it had taken all his self-control to not clumsily reach out and try to offer an embrace he didn't really know was possible. And whatever Spock said, _pon farr_ itself couldn't be that bad, after all his own mother had survived it for decades.

He pushed himself to his feet, sitting here would accomplish nothing. He had until dinner to come up with a battle plan, because he'd be damned if he would lose all of this without a fight.

But first he'd find a gym. His whole body felt filled to the brim with a restless energy and he needed to burn some of that off if he were to be able to think at all.

**oOoOo **

Spock put down his PADD, greatly dissatisfied with his progress. It appeared that his mind found the Ice Spiders of little interest today and no amount of castigating himself had helped. His thoughts kept continuously wandering to the previous night.

Since he needed much less sleep than Jim, he had spent his waking hours studying the human. They had shared sleeping space, even bed before, but the experiences were not compatible. Not only was the arrangement last night by choice rather than necessity, Jim had not kept his mind shielded which allowed Spock to experience his sleep cycle – from the voidlike feeling of deep sleep to the erratic impulses of his dreams, mixed with fear and anger as a nightmare had travelled through Jim's mind. The last had been disconcerting and left the Vulcan unsure of how to respond. Wishing to offer comfort but not knowing how, he had ended up simply curling up against Jim's side, softly petting the blond hair and trying to transmit calmness and tranquillity through their bond. The nightmare had passed and Jim seemed to have no recollection of the dream this morning, which was, as he understood, the usual state of affairs where human dreams were concerned.

The intimacy of the experience left Spock mute. Few Vulcans, even the among the closest bondmates, would allow such prolonged intimacy and yet with Jim it had felt natural. Not until the early hours of the morning had he raised his shields, regretfully cutting their close contact.

He could not deny to himself how much he wished to deepen the bond with Jim, to have him as a mate, but the obstacles were still significant despite all the events of last night.

While the kissing experiment had gone very well indeed, there were still too many unknowns for Spock's taste, though he was at a loss as to how the questions could be answered without actually bonding with Jim.

He shifted uneasily on his chair and tapped the stylus against the desk, but immediately forced himself to stop. This was not like him, to be this restless and unable to control it. Perhaps he should meditate. He had attempted to do so after Jim had left that morning, but the human's lingering scent had made it almost impossible for him to concentrate. If that were to be the normal state of things should he and Jim bond, it was certain that it would quickly become detrimental to his health, as daily meditation was vital for Vulcans to maintain their mental stability.

Possibly this was to blame for the constant unease he felt, the restlessness of his mind and the odd almost-headache he felt.

The area near his seat was thankfully quiet and Spock decided to see what he could do to alleviate the symptoms. Closing his eyes and breathing regularly he focused his attention inwards.

Rather than the usual clarity he experienced the same blurriness and lack of focus that he had that morning, but here there was no trace scent of Jim's to distract him so what was the cause?

He had not experienced the same haziness when he meditated the day before so the cause must lie in something that had occurred since then. Most logically it was his encounter with Jim that was the root. The thought filled him with an even greater unease. If that was the case, he may have to abandon his relationship with Jim entirely in order to stabilise his mind.

No, before he started worrying about this he must know if that was really the source. If it were then their bond would be the most logical point of origin.

To examine their bond properly he lowered his shields slightly to trace it. The second he did so he realised it had been a mistake. The bond immediately surged up, reaching for both his and Jim's mind simultaneously, attempting to bind them, to seek its own fullness. It felt as if he were being carried off then pressed down by a tidal wave, his shields forced aside like they were made of flimsy wood.

Struggling, he succeeded in getting his shields partway up, but his mind was still barraged by the bond. He could not stay here, he was too vulnerable. He needed peace, a quiet place to stabilise himself.

He staggered to his feet and stalked out of the library, leaving his things behind in a heap on the desk.

**oOoOo **

Jim was under the shower head when he suddenly felt like he couldn't breathe, his whole body shaking. Trying hard to get a grip on himself, but knowing from the puzzled side glances he received that he was not completely successful, he quickly turned off the shower, towelled down and got dressed in a hurry. He had not succeeded in working off the edginess and instead it had increased until he now felt like he was having a panic attack.

He realised that this was not coming from himself, so it had to have come through the bond. Walking as fast as he could without causing alarm, he headed towards Spock's rooms.

Skidding to a halt outside the door, Jim hammered down the button to the buzzer.

_Please be there, please open._

The door slid open, revealing a distraught looking Vulcan. Spock stepped back, letting Kirk inside.

"Spock, what's wrong?"

Spock stood stiffly in the at-ease position, hands clasped behind his back, presenting clear signs of distress.

"It is the bond. I apologise. It is growing too rapidly and I am losing control over its formation."

"What can I do to help?"

"You must raise your shields and hold them tight. I apologise that I cannot do so."

Though every fibre in him wanted to reject the idea, Kirk locked his mental shields as tight as he could.

Spock drew a sigh of relief as he felt the storm abate somewhat.

"This is wrong, Spock." The Vulcan looked at the captain and saw his rigid face. "Don't tell me you don't feel it, I know you do. This is not how it should be."

"Jim, if we permit the bond to form as it wishes it _will_ be permanent."

Sighing, his features strained, Kirk looked at him. "What must I tell you, what words do I need to use to get you to understand _that is what I want?_ Can you tell me you don't want it? That you want to turn your back on this?"

Cautiously the Vulcan reached out and let the tips of his fingers brush across Jim's hair.

"I do not wish to hurt you," he whispered hoarsely.

"You're hurting me right now."

The pain was clear in Jim's eyes, a pain Spock knew was mirrored in his own. He could deny and repress his own agony, but Jim's as well? No. But how could he bind Jim to him still not knowing if he could be even a fraction of what the human would need? That was equally impossible.

"Jim." He knew his voice sounded pleading and helpless, but he had never in his life felt so lost.

"Let me in, Spock. Help me, let me help you. If I never touch your body again I can live with it, but if I cannot touch your mind something in me will die."

The words felt like burning lashes and Spock could not deny the truth he heard in Jim's voice. Letting his hand drop to Jim's shoulder, Spock drew him nearer and folded his arm around him. He knelt to the ground and Jim followed him down willingly.

"Lower your shields, but do so slowly. Too fast and we will lose all control over this. I will join your mind; hopefully I'll be able to guide the bonding."

Jim nodded and taking a deep breath he closed his eyes. He felt Spock's fingers lightly touching his face and then Spock's presence right on the other side of the battered shields.

Turning his attention to his visualised shields, he reached for the control panel and slowly dialled them down.

He had barely begun doing so when it felt as if the pressure would overpower him and knock them down, but then Spock was there with him lending Jim his strength and mental discipline, guiding the force to where it needed to go. Jim made sure not to fight, to permit Spock to do what he wanted, what was necessary, without opposition.

Time went by, seconds, minutes, perhaps even hours or days. Time had no meaning in the place where he and Spock were; a second could be an eternity and a day could fly by in an instant, but finally the storm abated.

Spock's consciousness disengaged itself slowly, almost regretfully, as regretful as Jim was to feel it leave.

Jim blinked his eyes open. He found himself pressed against Spock's chest and he could feel how the Vulcan's heart was racing. Slowly he disengaged himself, though he kept his arms wrapped around Spock's shoulders. The presence of Spock's consciousness felt like a soft pressure, almost a caress, against his own and the tempest they had just weathered had turned into a breeze.

Kirk studied his bondmate's face. It wore its all-too-common Vulcan mask, giving nothing away, but now he could feel Spock's mind clearly and it exuded a mix of joy, apprehension and wonder.

Raising a hand to cup the back of Spock's head, feeling the fur-soft hair beneath his palm, Jim smiled.

"Hello there," he murmured. "You're not going to be able to withhold yourself from me again, are you?"

For a second it felt to Jim as if Spock might draw out of his embrace, but then something in him yielded.

"It appears our bond is much deeper than is usual for a newly formed mating bond. Jim, I..."

"You what? Regret this? That we are mated now? That you are stuck with me? Don't tell me you are sorry on my account, if you'd heard a word of what I said in the past day you know that I want this."

"Even though I may not be able to be as affectionate as you would like? Or as emotionally expressive as humans prefer?"

"No to both. Listen Spock and listen carefully. Do. Not. _Ever_. Change for me. I don't mean, don't ever change at all. We all change, it's the one certainty in life – we never remain the same, but don't compromise yourself or who you are to please me or because you think I want you to behave differently than you do. I love you Spock, because of _whom_ you are and _how_ you are."

Jim sensed another 'yield' in Spock. It was so odd, this constant sense of Spock, and yet it also felt so right to have him there. Though Jim couldn't help wondering how it felt to Spock.

"It is unusual," the Vulcan answered his unspoken question. "There is rarely this close an intimacy between bondmates, even between those who have been bonded many years. But I find it... pleasant."

"So do I." Focusing on the bond, Jim could feel the quietude that was Spock, enjoying the sensation for a short while. The something occurred to him. "Should we be shielding? Can we even do that now? It's not that I don't want you here, I do, but while working it could be... troublesome."

"Indeed it would. It would be best if we gave the bond some hours at the least to settle before we shield again and it is my belief that we will never again be able to cut each other off completely, there will always be some residual connection due to its depth. But we will not know how much until we attempt a shield."

"Hmm," Jim said, pushing to his feet and pulling Spock with him – kneeling on the floor was hard on the knees – and led them to the sofa. "So what do we do while the bond settles?"

The rapid shift of impulses from Spock left Jim almost breathless and they happened too quickly for him to identify them. Awkwardly the Vulcan reached for him, pulling Kirk into a light embrace.

"Physical contact often assists the process."

Kirk allowed himself to be pulled close, settling his head on Spock's shoulder.

"If you are comfortable with this?"

"I am."

Relaxing against Spock, Jim smiled. He could still sense the undercurrent of doubt and uncertainty coming from the Vulcan and Kirk knew it would be some time before Spock truly believed what Jim had told him: that whatever he could give would be enough. It would take persistence and patience on his part to see this through, to not push too hard so he wouldn't spook the Vulcan. In this nothing had changed from the way things had been in the last nearly four years, but now he had one trump card – through the bond, Spock would be able to tell that he was indeed happy.

"You are scheming," the Vulcan rumbled.

"I was thinking."

"Negative. Your mind had an undercurrent of subterfuge incompatible with simple ordinary 'thinking'."

Jim looked up at Spock and saw an earnest expression on his face.

"You mean you... can actually tell that?"

"Correct. In time you will likely be able to tell minor differences like this in my mind as well."

Realising that in bonding with Spock he had stepped into a world he knew nothing of, Jim felt an odd sense of elation and enthusiasm.

Stretching up, Jim planted a kiss on Spock's lips.

"Mr. Spock, I shall very much look forward to learning that."

Warmth, surprise, pleasure and a strange sense of humbleness radiated from the Vulcan, warming Kirk right down to his toes, and right then and there he was convinced that everything would turn out alright in the end. The journey might be long and the ride bumpy, but he and Spock would reach their destination together.

**oOoOo **

**Epilogue - One week later**

Kirk sounded the door buzzer to S'Krrl's dwelling and waited, fidgeting nervously. He hadn't spoken to the Caitian since their argument the week before and he was not looking forward to doing so now. Karl had every reason to be mad at him for biting his head off like that. He could only hope that the Caitian would be willing to forgive him.

The door slid open revealing S'Krrl wearing traditional male Caitian garb, which was to say little beyond a fancily twisted loincloth and inscrutable look on his otherwise expressive face and his ears were kept rigidly still. He looked questioningly at Jim.

"Can I come in?" It was going to be difficult enough doing this without having to do it in public.

S'Krrl stepped back and waved him in.

Inside the hall he turned and faced his friend, clasping his hands behind his back.

"Karl, I- I'm sorry, for last week. I was out of line."

S'Krrl's stance eased up and his left ear gave a casual flick.

"I was wondering if you'd come back to yell some more."

"No! I- I really am sorry, I... it's complicated but most I was worried about Spock."

"You truly thought he'd boot you? Jim I have never seen anyone so smitten in my life."

"Karl it's... the relationship between Spock and me... it's complicated. No it is, there's been... It's not as straight forward as it seems on the surface and I can't bear the thought of losing him. You're right I have it bad."

Jim rubbed his hands over his face.

Putting one arm around Jim's shoulder he guided the blond into the living room.

"Since you're not currently yelling at me I take it the last week went well though?"

Kirk gave a small smile.

"Yes. Yes it did."

"Are you going to tell me about it?"

"No."

S'Krrl made a face that was a very good imitation of a human pout and Jim couldn't help laughing.

"Spoil sport."

"There's not much to tell. All we've really done is cuddle and talk. No really, that's all."

"Must have been some fascinating conversation."

"With Spock it always is."

Going to the bureau S'Krrl pulled out a bottle and filled two glasses. Returning to Jim he handed the human one, then held up his own.

"A toast, to the pair of you. May you both live long and prosper."

"I'll drink to that."

Draining the glass of it's contents S'Krrl looked at Jim again.

"When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow."

"So, any chance of farewell dinner with you two or are you going to hole back up in solitude again?"

Kirk considered, part of him wanted all the time alone with Spock that they could get – they would have little enough of that once they returned to the ship – but he didn't want to leave Karl without saying a proper goodbye and he felt somewhat guilty for both their quarrel and for not apologising sooner.

"If Spock agrees," he finally said. "And only if you promise not to tell embarrassing anecdotes about me."

"Oh Jim, that's the whole idea. How else will Spock ever get to about your fondness of pickled herrings?" S'Krrl teased.

Jim shot him a dirty look.

"If I never see another of those it'd be too soon. Why you insisted on keep on buying me those for lunch I never understood. Though god knows I was usually hungry enough to eat them."

"Yes you were," the Caitain smiled. "And Janice hated the taste of them even more than you did. She never did want to kiss you after."

"You- You manipulated my relationships even then!" Jim could feel his temper flare.

"She was never good for you, I could tell that from the start. But I knew you would never listen to me, so I settled for being as disruptive as I could. She never liked me anyway."

Kirk started pacing.

"When else?" he snapped.

"Only last week. Jim, I could no more watch you and your Vulcan pine for each other and yet do nothing than I could watch you destroy yourself with Janice. Both was too heartbreaking to bear. If you wish to hate me for there is nothing I can say that will change it, but I would do it again in an instant."

"Why?"

"You know my kind rarely give their loyalty to anyone, it's not in our nature to travel in packs the way most other species do, but if we ever do it is absolute."

For long moments all Jim could do was to stand there, stunned beyond words.

"I've done nothing to earn such loyalty from you."

"Except be who you are. Caitians are not impressed by elaborate speeches, or courageous deeds, but a decent heart can win us."

"Karl, I- I don't know what to say. Why didn't you tell me sooner."

"There was no need for it. And don't say anything, except that you and Spock will have dinner with me. I'd like to speak with him at a time and place where I'm not viewed as competition. For some reason I've always enjoyed talking to Vulcans and this one appears to be special indeed."

Wrapping his arms tightly around S'Krrl's shoulders, Jim gently rubbed his face against the Caitian's neck in affection.

"I'll ask him," Jim said as he released his friend.

S'Krrl smiled.

"Until dinner then."

As he headed back to Spock's rooms which they had been sharing together for this past week, Jim hoped that Spock would agree to have dinner with S'Krrl. He had a feeling they would get along very well indeed, though he might live to regret ever introducing them.


End file.
